I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
