I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he fucked my hip out of place.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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