im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
