I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
