This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
