my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
