Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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