Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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