God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
