Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
