this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
