Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
