I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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