it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
