you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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