The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
