Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
