every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
