I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
