I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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