I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
