I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
