This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
