to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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