I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
