I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
