i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
