I am puke
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
