You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
