How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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