member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
