I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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