ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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