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The maid of honor just puked.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
