my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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