Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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