Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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