Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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