omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
