I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
