can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
