My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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