Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
last night I used snow as a chaser
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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