I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize