you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
