i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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