we're chasing vodka with high fives
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
