I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
