I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
