Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
