bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
