dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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