Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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