Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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