True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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