DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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