Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
