i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
