If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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